on the first day of xmas my dealer gave to me

a bag of shrooms and some lsd

we snuck into the park to steal some xmas trees

but the cops pulled up and asked us nicely to leave

we're all fucked up on smirnoff eggnogg

we crunch on candy canes and rev up all our chainsaws

you give us 30 and we'll tie it up at no extra cost

we'll take that 30 and spend it on pot

we're not too bright we flunk all of our classes

get in fights gettin drunk cuz we're bad kids

our dads call us bastards mom's always plastered

we're the closest thing to suburban gangstas

cold air's what we breathe our vests have no sleeves

it's hard to haul trees in subzero degrees

we smell like evergreens



all I want for xmas is my two front teeth

and some mistletoe all up in this piece

maybe a girl that's free of disease 

and while I'm thinking, throw in a couple of g's yeah

I want my snowmobile treads to be fixed

I want a ho who doesn't mind my snowsuit doesn't fit

I'm just a hayseed selling trees to break trees

know yer daddy hates me it's drivin ya crazay



even though my nose is runny get the honey's cuz I'm $

but I never get laid can't find my way into long undies

I don't trip, just dip, listen to country

with my piss I write my name because I think it's funny

I'm so into this deciduous lifestyle

you see dead tree and I see a cash cow

I never bargain and I never back down

put the back seat down and I take yer ass to tree town

yer daughter's givin me the eye

so I am givin her a ride

I'll put up the tree myself and put up all the lights

as long as I get all up in her tights



all I want for xmas is my two front teeth

and some mistletoe all up in this piece

maybe a girl that's free of disease 

and while I'm thinking, throw in a couple of g's yeah

I want my snowmobile treads to be fixed

I want a ho who doesn't mind my snowsuit doesn't fit

I'm just a hayseed selling trees to break trees

know yer daddy hates me it's drivin ya crazay