I'm a happy guy

I've got a happy life

Two happy kids

And a happy wife



Flowers are blooming

It's a beautiful day

I've got an upper class job

With upper class pay



But I've got a little problem

You see, with me

A major physical deformity

It takes me twice as long

To stop and smell the roses



'Cause I've had to live my life

Having two noses kids understand

They think it's neat

At birthday parties

I'm an added treat



Wife loves me for my mind

Doesn't care about my looks

She's so damn kind



It's really no fun

When the nostrils

Of both noses run

Yeah, that really sucks



And when I think back

To my days of grammar school

I was the one who got picked on

When the kids were being cruel



A major problem in high school

Was if you had acne tell you

Pinocchio had nothing on me



Summer, I used a surplus of zinc oxide

Spring, allergy season caused me to hide

Winter would come along and noses would freeze



Autumn was not so bad

The smell of burning leaves

Paid real well



So my job's okay

I'm the head tester

Of nasal spray



Boss thinks I'm weird

But I don't care

I just do my job

And I'm outta there



I'll fill you in on

What's my personal hell

When someone farts

I get twice the smell



Another duty that can prove

To be a scare is when

I have to trim my nostril hair



Just so you know

It's in my head

I'll get a nose job

Before I'm dead



Years of planning have gone into this

I'll get the left nose trimmed

'Cause it's too big, yeah

I've got to get that taken care of



You know you put your left nose in

You put your left nose out

And you put your left nose in

And then you shake it all about



You do the hokey pokey

And you turn yourself around

That's what it's all about



I've got two noses

I've got two noses

Why'd this have to happen to me